You’re not back at square one, even if it feels like it.
⏲️2 minute read | Part 5 of 5: The Heroine's Journey Series
This is Part 5 of the Heroine’s Journey series.
If you’ve been reading along, thank you for being here. If this is the first one you’ve opened, you’re very welcome here too.
Here’s the truth nobody tells you about transformation: there is no “there”.
No final, polished version of you who:
- never gets triggered,
- never spirals,
- never overthinks,
- never people-pleases again,
- never goes into old patterns when life gets lifey.
It’s onion work. And it’s not linear. It’s not clean. It’s not a one-and-done.
- You peel back one layer, maybe it’s the people-pleasing layer, and you feel brilliant.
- Then three months later, you’re sobbing because you just said “yes” to something you hated.
Wait.
Didn’t I already deal with this?
You did. And then… another layer revealed itself.
And honestly?
Recently the universe handed me my ass.
Again.
Not because I’m failing.
But because I’m alive.
Because I’m learning. Because the “there” was never real.
Curiosity is Energy (and It Changes Everything)
I’ve noticed something in the people who feel the most magnetic to be around. It’s not that they’re the most confident or the most sorted.
It’s their energy.
And the best energy tends to come from one thing: curiosity.
- Curiosity about what they’re feeling
- Curiosity about what’s underneath the reaction
- Curiosity about their own patterns, without shame
- Curiosity that says: “Oh. That’s interesting. What’s going on here?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”
Curiosity is a nervous system signal. It tells your body: we’re safe enough to learn.
And when you stay open, you stay in motion.
Not frantic motion. Honest motion.
The Myth of “Figured Out” (Spoiler: It’s Not Coming)
If you’re waiting to arrive at the moment where you have it all figured out, I say this with love:
- You won’t.
- I won’t.
- None of us will.
That’s not pessimism. That’s freedom.
Because the goal of transformation isn’t perfection. It’s presence. It’s being able to meet yourself in real time, as life changes, as relationships shift, as work stretches you, as your capacity expands and contracts.
And when a new layer shows up, it doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It means you’ve got further than you think.
The “I Thought I Worked on This” Trap (and the Nervous System Surge)
Here’s a moment I see all the time in coaching, and I’ve lived it myself:
- You’re doing well.
- You’ve got tools.
- You’ve set boundaries.
- You’ve changed patterns.
Then something happens and your body reacts before your brain can catch up.
A nervous system surge.
- Tight chest
- Hot face
- Racing thoughts
- That old familiar pull to fix, please, prove, push
And suddenly you’re thinking: “Oh my god. I thought I worked on this.”
You did. And then your system met a new context.
A deeper intimacy.
A bigger room.
A sharper edge.
Sometimes all you can do is laugh.
Not the fake laugh. The real one.
The kind that says:
I cannot believe I thought I was done with that layer.
Old Ghosts Are Not Failures. They’re Layers Asking to Be Seen.
This is where I want you to be very kind with yourself.
Those old ghosts, the ones that come back around?
- the self-doubt
- the over-functioning
- the “I’ll just handle it”
- the fear of disappointing people
- the perfectionism dressed up as ambition
They aren’t proof you’re broken.
They’re often:
- younger parts of you asking for attention,
- protective strategies that once kept you safe,
- layers that are ready to be met with more honesty.
Not more punishment. Not more “fixing”. More seeing.
There Is No “There” (So What Is There?)
If there’s no “there”, what are we doing all this work for?
In my experience, it looks like this:
- Deeper awareness: you spot the pattern sooner
- Better tools: you know what genuinely regulates you
- Faster recovery: you come back to yourself more quickly
- More honesty: you stop pretending you’re fine when you’re not
- More choice: you can respond instead of react
That’s real transformation.
Not a shiny finish line.
A more truthful relationship with yourself.
The Practice: Coming Back to Yourself (Again and Again)
This is the bit I want to normalise: growth repeats.
Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because life keeps giving you new contexts.
New pressure. New responsibility.
New intimacy. New visibility.
So the question becomes less “How do I finally fix this?” and more:
- “What layer is here now?”
- “What do I need to hear about myself in this moment?”
- “What would it look like to respond with care, not control?”
And yes, I’ll say this too:
I am lighter now than I used to be.
I’m freer. I choose differently. I recover faster.
But I fully expect I’ll keep refining.
- I’ll keep meeting new layers.
- I’ll keep choosing again.
- I’ll keep coming back to myself, more honestly each time.
That’s the path. That’s the practice.
A Tribute to You (Yes, You.)
If you’re reading this and you are:
- doing the work,
- facing the uncomfortable,
- staying curious instead of shutting down,
- telling the truth (even when it’s messy),
- refusing to abandon yourself,
then you’re not “behind”.
You’re a change-maker.
In your home. In your team. In your leadership. In the world.
Because the people who do this work don’t just heal themselves, they shift what’s possible around them.
The Gritty Bit: Money and Identity
The thing standing between you and your next chapter isn’t usually clarity. It’s:
- Money
- Identity
- The voice asking: “Who will I be if I’m not the person who holds it all together?”
So you might negotiate with yourself:
- “I’ll do it next year.”
- “When the mortgage is smaller.”
- “When I’ve saved a bit more.”
But your body knows. Your truth doesn’t wait for permission.
Ready to Stop Negotiating?
If this series has stirred something in you, I’d love to walk with you.
✨ 1:1 Coaching: Where we do the real excavation, the identity stuff, the money stuff, the “Why do I keep doing this?” stuff, and we build practical tools for a calmer nervous system and braver choices.
✨ Rest & Rise Retreats: In September, we do the gritty, beautiful work of reclaiming yourself, with space to breathe, reset, and listen for what’s true.
You’ll leave this retreat with a renewed sense of confidence, clarity and control.
I’d love for you to join us on the wild 4nights, 5 days, all-inclusive adventure in gorgeous Snowdonia for just £650.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You just have to be willing to stay curious.
If you are curious about anything that I have shared in the blog, drop in my diary and book a free 30min coffee chat [Here]
With love and a wild belief in you
